Last week a video appeared on Instagram with the well-known instruction: “Wait until the end.” In the video, a group of boys who appear to be about ten years old surround a boy of their age.
The blond boy in the middle of the circle moves restlessly. You’d think some harsh banter or other bullying behavior is about to follow – but then the music starts and the boy starts singing a verse of Teddy Swims’ ‘Lose Control’.
As she sings, the boys whisper. Several cross their arms and put their fingers in their armpits. Others blink their eyes, unsure of where to turn their gaze. Although they seem to have no script for how to react to this situation, they follow the example of the male counselors who stand with them and listen carefully.
At the end of the song, there is a quiet pause, then one of the counselors calls out his name, and the boys cheer and rush over to him, hands reaching out to stroke his hair. They shout: “Char-lie! Char-lie! Char-lie!”.
“Such a shining example”
The video captured an emotional moment, the value of which lies in its rarity.
Erin Spahr, a therapist practicing in Maryland and North Carolina and mother of boys ages 6 and 12, posted the video to her feed.
“What makes this moment so poignant is that the song, especially a song that expresses vulnerability, challenges the typical expectations placed on boys,” Spahr told HuffPost.
Ruth Whippman, author of Boymom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity and mother of three boys, agreed.
“This is such a brilliant example of a boy going out and doing something that is generally not considered typically masculine (singing) and his friends supporting him and celebrating him in such a simple and generous way,” Whippman told HuffPost.
Toxic masculinity
In our culture, boys quickly learn what behaviors are more acceptable to display, and singing your heart out and supporting a friend isn’t high on the list.
“Boys are taught from an early age that they must suppress their emotions and not show weakness. “Research shows that adults interact differently with girls and boys and are more willing to listen to girls’ feelings and have emotional conversations with them,” Whippman said.
By the time they reach the age of the boys in the video, the boys “navigate social norms and begin to internalize what it means to be ‘masculine,'” Spahr said.
“Conformity is often the key to fitting in, and there is pressure to adhere to ideas about masculinity and masculinity,” he added.
The pressure to conform to an aggressive male ideal prevents many boys from taking risks, fearing rejection and ridicule from their peers.
This problematic ideal of what it means to be a man is often referred to as toxic masculinity, a popular term for any problematic behavior associated with the traditional concept of masculinity – although Whippman worries that overuse of the term “can make boys they feel demonized and defensive and it can end up stifling the conversation.”
In discussions of toxic masculinity, we tend, understandably, to focus on its female victims, who are belittled, rejected, harassed and harmed. But there are also male victims – boys who yearn to sing, dance, show tenderness or simply express their feelings.
*With information from: HuffPost
